Swedish artist Victoria Verseau, born in 1988 and based mostly in Stockholm, explores themes similar to physique, reminiscence, identification and social buildings by way of a variety a media, from sculptures and installations to efficiency artwork and quick movies.

“The works are sometimes based mostly on her private experiences of being trans and a brand new girl,” her web site highlights. “Primarily based on her personal story, she examines bigger existential questions; who we’re, how we exist and who we need to be.”

Verseau’s characteristic movie debut, Trans Memoria, is especially private and intimate. The documentary diary sees her returning to Thailand, the place of her transition in 2012, navigating uncertainty amplified by her shut good friend Meril’s suicide, and exploring challenges confronted by trans girls, together with problems with identification and which means.

“‘By no means be your self.’ That’s what the advised us,” one good friend says to Verseau in one of many scenes featured within the trailer for the movie. 

The movie, which received the Hiventy Submit-Manufacturing Award, a €5,000 ($5,375) grant for post-production providers, at Cannes Docs 2023 when it had the working title Meril, had its world premiere on the 58th Karlovy Fluctuate Worldwide Movie Competition on Saturday.

Verseau talked to THR about why she needed to relive and share her transition expertise and her struggles together with her good friend’s loss of life in film kind, her ideas on the depiction of trans folks in movie, in addition to potential future initiatives.

You by no means made a characteristic movie earlier than. Why did you need to share your expertise on this format? How a lot was your purpose to work by your personal challenges and the way a lot was it about explaining transition and its affect to different folks?

From the start, I feel it was the shock of understanding that my good friend Meril had died. It was largely, I feel, a therapeutic method for me to attempt to digest what had occurred. I’m additionally an artist, so that is one thing that comes very pure to me. I needed to attempt to perceive how issues unfolded and why and who I had develop into.

When did you resolve to go for a transition?

I had recognized since I used to be three years outdated. Rising up in a small metropolis within the Swedish countryside within the Nineteen Nineties, noone even knew what a trans individual was. I’d say that I made a decision to transition once I bought to learn about it once I was a young person. And I went to Thailand again then when it had world-leading surgical procedures on gender affirmation surgical procedure. So I went to this very particular metropolis that I’m making an attempt to additionally depict within the movie. There, I met Meril who was additionally there to do the operation. So we actually supported one another earlier than this very unsure, and a bit scary, time that was forward of us. And we very a lot each longed for a life that will be higher and we actually yearned to search out love.

We have been very heteronormative again then. We needed to discover a man to stay with. After which we went again to our properties. She was from France and lived in Paris. We stored involved, and I visited her in Paris as soon as. And once I went to go to her the second time, I couldn’t attain her. Fairly quickly I spotted that she had ended her life, and my world fell aside. She was the one trans good friend I had, and I mirrored myself in her. So I used to be questioning if I’d finish the identical method as she did, and I went into a really, very deep despair.

How did you meet Athena and Aamina who journey and focus on points with you all through the movie? And the way did they affect the movie?

It’s actually been a curler coaster. Initially, I needed to make a fiction movie about me and Meril. I solid Athena and Aamina to play me and Meril. And once we went to Thailand, we really filmed each fiction scenes and documentary reenactments. I used to be a bit like: will this really work? Can I ever? It’s like nothing turns into what you thought it will be – and the movie didn’t develop into what I imagined it to be in any respect.

The 2 of them are very outspoken, and so they challenged me lots. And it felt I couldn’t shrink back from that, and so they actually needed to have their views within the movie, which felt so vital. So, it’s a bit bit all over the place. I really like that it form of has its personal kind.

What additionally performed a job right here is how trans girls are depicted on movie. For Aamina, it is vitally vital to not be sensationaled or exoticized as a trans girl. I actually am glad to see that as a result of life is complicated. It has each darkness and light-weight. I feel it’s a movie of contrasts – it has cinematic, meticulously framed pictures and in addition shaky digital digicam realism. It has humor and unhappiness, a touch of humor. So distinction is essential.

As a result of I’m a visible artists, I additionally felt I’m there to let the method lead me by some means, and so the movie is simply very free and doesn’t obey that many guidelines. You can say it’s trans. I like that expression.

Are you able to share a bit in regards to the timeline of while you determined to begin work on the movie and while you completed it?

We did the surgical procedure in 2012. She handed away in 2015. After which I, fairly instantly, began simply writing our story for myself. I didn’t share it with anybody. After which I felt it was so essential to speak about it as a result of her mother and father condemned her resolution to transition, and so they threw her out of the home, and her Fb profile disappeared. So it was virtually like she had by no means existed. It form of felt like this movie wanted to be form of a testomony of her that she really existed as soon as, a commemoration.

I had movie materials from 2012 and even from the ’90s once I was a child. I went to Thailand to movie in 2019, and I used to be actually depressed. So it was actually a problem to work on the movie then. After which we filmed the final scene final yr. It’s me and Athena, and we’re a lot happier. And we’re nonetheless right here at this time. And Aamina can also be right here at this time.

What position did making the movie play in getting you to this happier place?

I feel the movie saved me. As a result of when it was at its worst for me, the movie was my solely which means. I felt I wanted to inform this story, and I can’t disappear like Meril did. And so in a method, it saved me.

The identical can also be true for Athena really. She won’t be right here if she didn’t have this undertaking to work on. She actually expressed that. it’s wonderful to listen to that it helped her a lot. Aamina, Athena and I have been like a bit group. We helped one another once we labored on the undertaking, but it surely was additionally very, very difficult. They have been to start with of their transition once we began filming. And at this time, they’ve gone by it – if there’s ever an finish to a transition. And I used to be actually in a despair. So we actually had a variety of arguments throughout the making of the movie. And it felt crucial to handle that, in addition to having their views, and to point out the difficulties of constructing this sort of movie about trans girls as trans girls your self.

I’ve lived fairly an eventful and dramatic life, and I felt burned out by that. And now I’ve entered one other period. Now it’s the time to inform folks about it.

Typically the movie seems like a ghost story, such because the lodge in Thailand the place you and Meril stayed and a mall that’s now deserted. You actually have a dialog when one you tries to take a photograph and says “go,” however you perceive “ghost” or “ghosts.” We even see you beneath a blanket trying like a ghost. I heard you might have additionally performed exhibition with a ghost theme or title. Why does the ghost theme resonate with you?

It form of has many meanings. Ghosts might, after all, be reminiscences that hang-out you. They usually linger, they by no means abandon you. But it surely additionally could be very a lot me having a tough time accepting that issues disappear. I miss my grandmother a lot. I miss Meril a lot. And I miss issues that I’ve misplaced, and locations and buildings which may have been torn down.

I went again to Thailand to this identical metropolis in 2023, and the lodge had been closed all the way down to be demolished. And the shopping center, as you say, had actually decayed and been full of water. It’s scary seeing how issues fade and disappear. But it surely’s additionally breathtaking.

I join it to desires as properly – reminiscences and desires. I dreamt lots about Meril and town. After which there aren’t any folks there, it’s not just like the Thailand you normally see full of tuk-tuks (three-wheeled motorized automobiles used as taxis) and seashores. It’s extra this empty, bizarre in-between house. I really feel I get near one thing in that house. I discover a variety of which means in not understanding the whole lot additionally. You may’t ever communicate to somebody who handed away, regardless that some would say you’ll be able to. Throughout the movie I additionally tried to speak about that muteness. When somebody dies, there’s a transparent boundary – you’ll be able to by no means attain that individual. However on the identical time, I hope that it will be doable.

I generally consider, and I additionally doubt. So there may be this fixed shifting between positions – ambivalence. The integrity of telling my story has additionally felt very ambivalent.

Meril is an enormous presence within the movie regardless that we don’t actually see her. Did you ever think about displaying her in some kind, for instance, by images all through the movie or did that really feel not respectful?

It was each respecting her, as a result of I couldn’t ask her if she needed to be a part of it, but additionally respecting the household, regardless that they did one thing horrible. I didn’t need to form of reveal their identification.

Additionally, I feel I’ve two photos of Meril, I don’t have any voice recording, and I all I’ve is my reminiscences and this vacancy. That vacancy, I really feel, was vital, that void. Absence was vital for the movie.

You additionally speak lots about hope, loneliness, and the way you and Meril have been hoping to search out love within the movie. How have issues performed out for you?

Yeah, I’ve a companion. I discovered that cis man like me and Meril wished to search out. We’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. I really like him very a lot. However possibly Meril and I had a bit unrealistic desires once we struggled a lot and fought a lot and imagined what we might get and didn’t get that. And I really feel a lot, significantly better at this time. Ending this movie was vital as a result of it was form of one thing that stored me from transferring on in life.

Athena has additionally discovered the love of her life. In order that’s very good. I’ve which means at this time, and I hope it should final. I feel I discovered a method, and Athena additionally did very a lot. I feel the movie helped us by some means.

What would you want folks to remove after they see the movie?

The movie has this fairly distinctive voice and a mixing of various codecs and it doesn’t actually obey the foundations that a lot. However I additionally want that folks would really feel that they’ve been in a position to get a glimpse into hidden wounds that haven’t been seen earlier than. And possibly they will discover one thing about these extra existential questions, similar to which means, mortality. It’s a really trustworthy movie. I really feel I don’t censor myself.

I ponder if one takeaway for folks seeing the movie will even be that transition isn’t a fast bodily change, however takes extra…

Yeah, it’s actually a course of, each very bodily, but additionally psychological. And the invisible interior journey is essential, what’s happening inside. That’s certainly very a lot part of the movie.

Do you might have any ideas on the depiction of trans folks in movie, on TV and even within the information?

I heard someplace that there was this trans revolution, and so many tales about our lives have been made. However normally they have been made by folks with out that have, and in addition folks with out that have are taking part in us.

I additionally agree with the group that there have been a variety of tragic narratives. That’s one thing I actually struggled with when making this movie. I wanted to inform my trustworthy, true story, my expertise, however then additionally Athena is asking me within the movie why I’m making this darkish movie.

However I feel there’s a distinction when the creator of the movie is trans herself and telling folks about her personal story. And likewise, there may be humor in it. The movie ends with this scene the place we managed to complete this loopy undertaking after eight years, and we really feel higher at this time. It’s vital that Athena and I are nonetheless right here at this time. We didn’t disappear like Meril sadly.

However I couldn’t cover actuality. I want that this dialogue would additionally come up after folks see the movie as a result of I really feel what I’m seeing hasn’t actually been depicted on movie. Life is complicated. It has each darkness and light-weight in it. I perceive the necessity for extra optimistic narratives as properly to determine with. However I needed to make a extra trustworthy movie about what I’ve been by. Some moments are happier and you might be discovering your method, some moments are darker.

Might we see extra movies from you?

I’ve new concepts and am writing many various concepts. However I can’t actually say a lot about them but. I’ve this superstition that, if I inform an excessive amount of too early, it’s going to not occur.

There’s an outdated movie concept that I really began earlier than Trans Memoria. I’m going to attempt to end it. However I’ve different initiatives which might be newer and that could be extra consultant of what I do at this time.

Anything I haven’t requested you about that you simply wish to spotlight?

You actually requested superb questions. One different factor I needed to discover when making the movie was identification and while you obtain your biggest dream, what comes after that. It’s a must to relate to normality and the life after. I got here to some extent the place I used to be form of completed, regardless that you might be by no means completed. After which I noticed that my identification was part of the battle. I form of misplaced a bit bit who I used to be after the transition. I wanted to search out out who I used to be, once more after the transition. And this movie is part of that. It actually doesn’t have to do this a lot with the precise surgical procedure, however is about discovering your identification.

We’re all particular person inside, however it may be scary while you get labeled. It’s the identical with being trans. I feel: am I actually trans or am I only a human being that has this expertise? And what’s trans? In fact, I’m, and I’m a lady, however I used to be additionally a bit boy sooner or later. You are able to do many issues throughout a life and undergo all these phases and have all these totally different experiences alongside the way in which. So everyone seems to be in a transition.

Interview edited for size and readability.